The Saga Continues

Here is the little heartbreaker...isn't he handsome!!!


I have not been keeping anyone up to date on Albert or Becky, it is not because things have calmed down though. It would be impossible to write down all the details at this point because there are so many. I will try and put things in a nut shell...

A few days after giving birth Becky was to return to the town she came here from, Albert is now 2 months old and she has had a one hour visitation with him. She is mentally not doing well, not taking her meds. the way she needs to be. No one has been allowed to see the baby and to be quite honest we have all been labeled " the enemy". The baby is in a good foster home who is quite protective of him and not wanting any of us to see or hear anything about him. This was hard for me because I knew the foster family from when we did foster care and I did not understand why they would choose to see me as a threat.

I look back and perhaps I was being selfish, I wanted to hold Albert and see him. I wanted my children to see him, they had so wanted to after going through the whole pregnancy with Becky. I wanted to know that he was doing good. I was not trusting GOD as HE began to "slam" doors. ( That is what it felt like!) I was hurt, I reacted. I did not want to see Albert hurt, or moved around. I wanted to sit down with the foster family and say, " This baby's mother, uncle, grandmother, and great grandmother have all dealt with mental illness. It is realistic to say that Albert himself may very likely also start to show signs when he is a teenager of a mental illness. Who ever commits to parenting this sweet child needs to be aware that this may happen and if it does will you still love him and be ready to have your heart break? Will you stand behind him with your pocket book as he will need extra services? Will you love him when he is unlovable?"

At one point I thought that I could. I now, after seeing what mental illness looks like now that I would not be able to support Albert the way he would need to be and there for could never commit to adopting him. It would be easy for someone who does not understand mental illness or to have seen the ugly side of it to blindly walk into an adoption unknowingly thinking that they are strong enough to take on what ever lies ahead rather than to stand back and step out of their " baby fever" and truly make an informative decision, one they could stand by.

The foster family is so sweet, the dad obviously protective and I know the mother is so deeply in love by now...I only wish that the state did not go dangling beautiful babies that did not just fall out of the sky in front of couples so eager to love little ones. I see this as an injustice for not only Albert and Becky but know the hearts of people whom just wanted a baby to hold.

Becky called me tonight and asked if I would call my sister in law to ask that they consider adopting Albert. She expressed that she would not be able to parent him and that she was ready to sign her rights away to them. I could not believe my ears! This was a miracle...MY GOD can make kings eat grass and change the minds of schizophrenic mothers! I of course called my sister in law and dropped the bomb, "would you guys still be open to adopting the baby?" It took a second for her to talk to her husband and then she got back on the phone and said..."no" they had a reason that I will share at another time but they said no.

I was in a fog anyways but had expected them to jump in the car when they heard the news and come get their baby that they had been so ready for just two months ago...now I was really thrown for a loop. I now had to call Becky back and say that they were no longer available to adopt Albert. She understood.

Now a home must be found for the baby, I wrote to her dad and gave him some ideas...one being the foster family where the baby is already so loved. This of course would probably mean that it would not be an open adoption which would not be Becky's first choice but for Albert at this point he would not be moved. I also gave another option that had not already been proposed of another family whom would be open to adopting and also open to contact with Becky.

Now we will all be praying, praying that above all GOD will be glorified, that no matter what lies in the future all who call themselves Christians would accept submissively that GOD is on HIS thrown and in control. My heart goes out the the foster family as their hearts are on the line, for Becky who bares a heavy cross, her father whom has walked through this mental illness with his first wife, his son and his daughter.

I really judged a lot of people in this. I judged him the most but GOD has shown me that this man has endured more than I could ever or want to and deserves my compassion and prayers. I am truly so ugly. There is nothing good in me and when things go the tiniest bit wrong in my life I crumble. I am so thankful that the Lord has shown me this about myself. I tend to judge to quickly forge ting that I am the ugliest of all.