I have been pouring my heart and emotions and energy into B and the baby for the last six months, I have prayed, wept and pleaded with the Lord and with B in hopes that an adoption would take place. Last week when B met with the state worker and chose to no longer pursue the adoption but to let the state take the baby and place him in foster care something inside me just gave up. At first I was angry, very angry and just cried out to the LORD to take away the bitterness that was trying to take root. HE was so merciful to me and that night I went to bed filled with ideas of how to reach out to B, to continue to love her. I spent time talking to her and watching as her heart is being ripped from her, it is GOD given feelings that she is experiencing. A woman who is about to give birth to a baby and knows that she will not comfort this babe when he cries, not cradle him as he sleeps and listen to his every sound, not see his first smiles or smell his breath so sweet is a desperate woman. I watched as she cradled her womb and just wished out loud that she could just remain pregnant to keep her baby close to her, she said she just wants to run into the woods to give birth and stay there so no one can take him away. I can not imagine the torment she is going through on the inside. I have never imagined what a birth mom has to go through to be able to part with her child, I know this is not a typical parting of mother and babe but I do not imagine that it is ever an easy process for any mother.
I am determined to trust GOD. B had a chance to return to Springfield, a bus ticket in hand and she chose not to go. I am determined to trust that GOD has brought me to this place. I am at the end of myself, I have no more to add to the many words I have prayed and spoken and let me tell you this is a great place to be. I am determined to trust GOD and let HIM work this out and no matter what happens I will trust HIM because I am determined to.
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